Archive for the 'parents/being the child' Category

Twice Bitten: More of the Wisdom of Toddlers

Not long ago, I arrived to pick Jake up from school to find not one but two incident reports awaiting me.

“He got bitten,” one of Jake’s teachers said apologetically.  “Twice.”

From the deliberately pared-down details they provided — perpetrators’ names and identifying characteristics are omitted from incident reports to protect those too young to deserve the wrath of their friends’ mothers — I gathered a general idea of what had happened.  Jake demonstrated, as he does quite a bit lately, his desire to possess a toy already in the possession of The Biter.  And The Biter bit him.

So far, so good.  Maybe it’s a tad Lord of the Flies of me, but I kind of like knowing that when he tries to steal a toy from one of his friends he may get bitten.  It’s a valuable lesson, and one I can’t teach him myself.

The second bite, however — occurring a mere half hour later — happened under far murkier circumstances.  The way Jake’s teacher described it, Jake was merely in the other child’s space and got bitten for nothing more than his willingness to let first bite bygones be bygones.

My initial reaction was, naturally, to try to figure out who The Biter was.

One of the other kids had bitten Jake before.  And his mother cheerfully admits he’s a biter.  So, of course, Mike and I spent the evening teaching Jake to say, “No, [name withheld to protect innocence]!  Don’t bite me!”

I asked him to demonstrate his new trick the next day at school.

A teacher looked at me sadly.  “It wasn’t [name withheld to protect innocence],” she said.

Oh, my.  What happened to three years of law school when you’re supposed to remember (because they never really spend time teaching it to you in any substance) that one is innocent until proven guilty?

My suspicions next fell on a friend of Jake’s we’ve actually played with outside of school.  Since I like his parents so much, I didn’t feel animosity toward him for being The Biter, so much as amusement.  Despite being three months younger and several inches shorter, he had easily pushed Jake over on the playground where we met for a date one day.  And, more damningly, he had an incident report of his own taped to his cubby at school.  Since perpetrators receive incident reports just like victims, I felt I was on to something.

Until his mother and I arrived at the same time to pick up our children from school.  And I found out that her son, too, had been a victim of The Biter.

So I never did find out who The Biter was.  I have my ideas, but Jake has managed to remain bite-free for some time, so I can let it go.

But with the passage of time, I’ve been left to ponder the more significant question the double-biting incident raises:  Why would Jake have gone up to this child who had just brutally bitten him and allow himself to be bitten again?

Think about it.  If it were you, wouldn’t you spend the next hour or so fuming about what an [expletive deleted] that person who bit you was?  Wouldn’t you work furiously at justifying your own actions in trying to steal his toy?  Wouldn’t you steer clear of him, refusing any gestures of friendship, for at least the rest of the day?

So why did my child shrug it all off in the time it took him to stop crying and buddy up to The Biter a second time?

The answer, I think, lies somewhere in my own condition.  Because I — despite having had so much trouble regaining my equilibrium after giving birth to Jake that I started this website — am pregnant with my second child.  Twice bitten, indeed.

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MIA Part Two: Learning Who You Are

So another reason I was missing in action for two weeks (even though, I say again to the empty echo-chamber of a deserted readership, I don’t think anyone really noticed): a visit to Louisville for my grandfather’s funeral.

Sad as this sounds — and much as the past couple of posts might, um, bring the mood down a bit — I feel that this was, in a pure, unselfish way, a happy thing. He lived nearly 95 years in comfort and amazingly good health. He left the world in his sleep, at home, in his own bed, surrounded by people who loved him. If you accept — as we all must in our own way — that this life will end at some point, you’ve got to be happy for someone who has it end the way it did for my grandfather.

Plus, I have been blessed with a gain to equal the loss — new information about my grandfather, things I never knew and am proud to know now. And this information, in turn, tells me things that — incredibly, gloriously, awe-inspiringly — tell me more about myself.

It has been, overall, a wonderful reminder that, even at 41 years old, even with all I’ve learned (some of it the hard way) over the past 18 months of having a child, I sure don’t know everything there is to know about me.

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I’m Really Here, Now (Even in Wal-Mart)

What surprised me as I stood in a Wal-Mart off I-40 in Hickory, North Carolina, was not so much that I was standing in a Wal-Mart off I-40 in Hickory, North Carolina. The exigencies of a Blankie left far behind at school can leave one in some pretty surprising places. What surprised me was that I didn’t really, that much, mind being in a Wal-Mart in Hickory, North Carolina.

I don’t mean to offend regular Wal-Mart-goers. Nor am I unaware of the PR campaign they have undertaken, in which, I am told, workers are actually being offered full-time hours and benefits. It’s just that I object to the whole concept of bigger and cheaper marketing and sell-me-more-junk-in-one-place. At least Target gives loads of money to local schools and sponsored the Minerva Awards at the California Women’s Conference I attended in 2006, giving a good chunk of money to some pretty impressive organizations, like the first women’s shelter in California. Reminding myself of these things makes me feel justified in wandering the aisles of Target looking for, yes, bigger and cheaper and more junk to buy.

As for the Wal-Mart in which I found myself, I was nothing short of grateful for its presence. We were 45 minutes into a two-hour drive with a child who, despite my request, had been allowed to take a nap at school, awakening just in time to be strapped into a car seat for two hours. “He only slept an hour!” the apologetic teacher told me, invoking nightmare images of a cranky, tired child who would not, on principle, consider a second nap, no matter how long the car trip.

So, when Jake started bellowing, “Bubby! Bubby!” at the top of his lungs and I uttered in a voice dripping with panic, “I left Bubby at school!” Mike sped for the next exit in the throes of self-preservation. And there, over a rise in the scrubby landscape of gas stations and bad Chinese restaurants, we discovered WalMart and the oversized Bubby I christened “Bubba.” (”‘Tuck! ‘Tuck!” Jake cries whenever the extra weight of all that superfluous fabric stymies his attempts to cradle the entire Bubba in his arms as he is accustomed to do with the two smaller, finer Bubbies we managed to leave behind in Asheville that day).

My boy sated with his swath of soft polyester, Mike filling the gas tank I had neglected prior to starting on our trip, I reflected on why I felt perfectly okay with my trip to Wal-Mart. The people had been friendly; Mike had traced an unerring path to the baby blankets, avoiding the horrors of powdered soft drinks made of high fructose corn syrup, chemicals, and advertising; and Bubba was sort of reasonably priced. Fifteen dollars, after all, is a small price to pay for peace and an appeased toddler.

But really, I thought, as I stared back at the legions of cars stacked in the Wal-Mart parking lot, I felt okay being in Wal-Mart because I was feeling so okay being where I am in this world. I could venture outside my usual comfort zone because I have so firmly removed myself from the old zone that provoked comfort-anxieties in the first place.

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Mothers, Daughters, and “The Eye of the Tiger”: How a Bad Song from 1982 Moved Me Closer to Stillness

On Father’s Day morning, when I started the car in the parking lot of EarthFare (Asheville’s local Whole Foods-ish place I love to shop for groceries even though we really can’t afford it), I had one of those delicious moments that happens when I hear “Eye of the Tiger” on the radio.

Immediately, it was 1982. I was no longer sitting in my practical Honda CRV but in the passenger seat of my friend Deb’s Prelude, sunroof open, music blasting, the two of us singing in unself-conscious joy some of the stupidest lyrics ever to grace a Top 40 song. We were sixteen years old, pumping our fists in the air as only sixteen-year-olds and sadly misguided middle-aged men with beer guts and Confederate flag tee-shirts can. We screamed of the fierceness of the eighties, with Deb’s short-over-the-ears, long-and-puffy-on-top hair style and my inclination toward wearing a rolled bandanna around my forehead under my bangs. Combine the two of us, and you had the lead singer of Loverboy.

(Hey, guess what! Loverboy has a website and they’re still recording, albeit without the useless forehead bandanna action. This fact for some reason brings me renewed joy at the thought that maybe I’m not so terribly old after all.)

At the same time, I was sharing a grin at the memory with Jake, sitting there in his throne of a car seat, his ready smile on display. And I was deeply in love. With my boy, my place in the world, maybe even — despite the fact that I had spent the past two days with my parents — my forty-one-year-old self. For just a moment, it all clicked into place. The alternate universes of the days when I was independent and child-free and these times of confusion and love that come with motherhood folded together like an accordion card so that one unifying picture sat on top.

It was a brief moment of clarity on a day I would uncharacteristically spend with both the father of my child and my own father.

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Grandma Versus Jack’s School, or Trusting Myself as a Mother

I didn’t apologize to Jake’s grandmother for taking him to school today. This is a sign, I believe, of progress.

An awful lot of what I’ve done as a mother is apologize — for decisions I’ve made as a mother (sure, everyone tells you you’re right because you’re the mom, but do you ever really believe it?), for seeing to my own needs (the better I get at this the more I seem to apologize for it), for not taking care of everyone else nearly as well as I might have once upon a childless time. And, like pretty much every other mother I know, I’ve done all this apologizing with about the same stealth as a teenage boy copping a feel. And probably the same level of enthusiasm.

Progress, of course, comes in small increments. If I’m being completely honest, I do still feel the urge to apologize to my mother-in-law for not apologizing to her. I imagine her observing how Jake got to stay home from school yesterday, when his aunt and cousin were in town as well, and feeling stiffed. In my mind she becomes someone very different from who she really is, and turns to me with a crafty gleam in her eye saying, “I can watch him while you work, you know.”

Then I practice being in the moment and I see how happily she walks him to school with me and how uncomplainingly she spreads out the newspaper for a bit of quiet time when we get back to the house. And I feel gratitude to us both for helping me learn not to apologize. And, yes, not to apologize for not apologizing.

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