Archive for the 'opening your heart' Category

I Can Cook! And Lots of Other Things You’d Never Know I Can Do

By the end of our Thanksgiving meal, life as a mother, as someone who is (can it only be?) eight-and-a-half months postpartum, and as a still relative newcomer to my new home — it was all beginning to seem manageable, pleasurable even.

And then Ellen turned to Mike.  “You and I should have monthly Iron Chef-like competitions,” she said.

Ca-thunk.  That was the sound of my perennially left-out, insecure thirteen-year-old self dropping like an air conditioner out of a New York apartment window into my stomach.

It’s true that Mike’s turkey was a piece of edible art.  And Ellen is the only person I imagine has the culinary talent to turn green bean casserole into something approaching gourmet and without a hint of canned soup in sight.

But there was a time, not so long ago, when I considered myself a pretty awesome cook as well.  In fact, it was Thanksgiving just fifteen years ago (eegads, fifteen years — can I still say “just”?) when I tested the waters of my fantasy escape-the-law-firm job of opening a catering business by cooking a kick-ass meal in a tiny apartment with a kitchen that measured approximately one foot by three feet.

Granted, I’m not much of a foodie these days and pretend that it’s just that I really like the taste of unadorned food, not that I’m too lazy to cook a proper meal with seasoning and sauces and stuff.  Nonetheless, I’m more than a little bit sensitive about the cooking thing, for reasons I can’t begin to articulate.

All I know is that when Ellen summarily eliminated me from the Iron Chef competition it made me really sad to think that no one knows I can cook — and that maybe I no longer can.

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A Truly Scary Halloween, or How I Crossed Over

On Friday, Lily will be the same age Jake was when we moved to Asheville two years ago.

Just typing those words is sending me into a shower of I-don’t-know-whether-to-explode-with-joy-or-cry-uncontrollably emotions.  For months after Lily’s birth I had to consult Jake’s old baby pictures to remember  what he was like at her age.  Now, however, I have stumbled into a landscape littered with mile markers that make Lily’s every new trick — waving good-bye, handing me toys, figuring out how to remove the Robeez boots I dug out of the bottom of a pile of Jake’s old clothes — into a reminder of just how little Jake once was and how soon I will lose both of my children to time.

This makes me more than a little sad at how quickly indeed the time has passed.  And then even sadder because missing baby Jake makes me feel as if I am wishing away the remarkable boy Jake is right now.  Not to mention the potty-trained one.  Why on earth would I ever go back?

Mostly, though, putting eight-month-old Jake next to eight-month-old Lily collapses two points of my life, like a Wrinkle in Time tesseract.  And while it makes me a little bit seasick to contemplate how unstable I was in the first round of motherhood and how not exactly solid I am now, it also allows me to see how comfortable I am with the whole “I’m a mother” concept.

Which, honestly, is a good thing.

Until I take a step back and wonder how the single yoga gal going out drinking with her friends turned into the mom who thinks Sunday morning on the playground is a big, hot social hour.

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How Can You Love Me So Much When …?

Lily and I are having a bit of a love fest these days.  We gaze into each others’ eyes.  We smile and giggle.  I marvel at the double dimples in her elbows and the figure-eight temple dents she inherited from her father.

And then, after forty-five minutes or so of mutual adoration, I whisk her off to daycare and plop her in someone else’s arms.  Getting to do so doesn’t make me love her any more; it just makes it easier to spend forty-five minutes telling her so.

But much as my daily three-hour-break from my baby makes me, if not a better mother, at least a happier one, it is powerless against those “I’m exhausted and you are making my nipples sore” moments.  Which are relatively rare, but still all too common.

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Sharks and Bunnies: A Potty Primer

It’s been a big week for growing up in the Jake-and-Lily household. And, not surprisingly, I have mixed feelings about it.

First, Lily received glowing reviews of her first afternoon in daycare yesterday and spent last night and this morning grinning and babbling at me.  Plainly, she approves.  Or so I am telling myself as I shift anxiously in my seat pretending I’m totally okay with leaving her for her second day.  (Has the novelty worn off?  Will she be able to successfully communicate her dislike of the play mat on which I fear she will be left when the caregivers necessarily have to tend to other babies than mine? Just how much does she cry when set off by those other kids who, with several months on her, really ought to be old enough to control their emotions?)

Then — perhaps as a reaction to the news that his baby sister is now attending the same “school” he used to go to — Jake announced this morning that he wished to sit on the potty.  And peed in it.

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Traveling with Two: An Ode to My Generous Little Spirit

Last week, Lily was awake during my acupuncture appointment.

Her newfound alertness was one of those developments you look forward to in theory, only to realize once you get there that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Sort of like when I used to stay up half the night anticipating a trip to Disneyland only to get there and find more in the way of crowds and heat than personal audiences with Mickey Mouse.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the way Lily and I now make my already favorite chore of folding laundry into a game where I wave each item of clothing in front of her rapidly darting blue eyes on its way from basket to drawer.  I cherish the puckered little smile that blooms across her face when I bluster, “B-B-B-B-B,” to her.  And I’m pretty proud of how I cobbled together parts from two partially functioning mobiles to make one under which she kicks and coos in wonder.

But what you gain in moments of unexpectedly woozy love when your infant approaches two months you lose in sleep time.  Hers.  My own is, thank goodness, increasing.  Which is a good thing because I’m reduced to a pretty complete state of exhaustion at the end of a day spent trying to cram just as much dish washing and cooking and, yes, writing into the shrinking hours during which she now naps.

This cramming includes acupuncture.

The first time I brought her with me she was sound asleep in her car seat by the end of our ten-minute drive there.  The most stressful part of my appointment was worrying that she’d awaken as I lay there full of needles, forcing me to tug at the ones sprouting from my wrists as the acupuncturist had advised me to do in just such an event.

This time, however, she proved her new prowess at staying awake by — quite amazingly in the context of our new world together — staying awake during the car ride there.  And then sitting in her car seat in the waiting room gazing suspiciously about herself as she decided whether I was going to release her or she needed to complain.  And, when we settled into the treatment room, finally letting me know it was most definitely not okay to leave her in the car seat stationed in front of what I took to be some lovely shadows.

Whether it was my anxiously fluttering pulse or his own worry that he wouldn’t be able to fit a proper treatment around a fussy infant, the acupuncturist was as nervously creative as I at suggesting things that might — one could always hope — placate her for long enough to make a difference.  We moved the car seat around.  I took her out of it.  I swaddled her.  I rocked her.  I spread her blanket on the floor and assured her that we were in a very safe place.  He offered another blanket to put under it as if to prove how safe and welcome she was.

Lily settled back cautiously.  “Pretty comfy,” she seemed to say, still reserving judgment on the larger situation.

She looked around.  “Decent shadows up there,” I could hear her say to herself as she gave a few experimental kicks.

“Okay?” I asked.

She kicked again and ignored me.  “Okay,” was her answer.

And, true to her promise, she didn’t utter those first clicks of I-might-cry-ness until the acupuncturist started removing the needles.

“You are a generous spirit,” he told Lily graciously.

And thus defined her and my good fortune in a few short and honest words.

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Is There Such a Thing as a Full Circle and What Does It Look Like?

I hung up the phone yesterday thinking I had come full circle.

We hadn’t spoken in nearly twenty years, and I wonder how long it’s been since I’ve heard the laugh that brought me right back in a joyful slide to the summer I turned seventeen.  That laugh, I now remember, made me feel like I’d found a new and happy part of life.

I was at that awkward age where you want to be more grown up than you are, which maybe accounts for how I’ve more or less rejected the idea that there is anything serious about myself that I’d like to hold onto from those days.  My narrative of that summer has always been about a girl filled with more naivete than a Los Angeles teenager probably should be, a dreamer who hadn’t yet bumped up against the realities that ultimately flattened her dreams and propelled her to law school and decades of searching for the feeling of that laugh.

And now, in one of those rare instances where Facebook lives up to its potential, I had a fresh perspective on a set of memories I’ve pored over a million times.  Maybe, I considered from the vantage of this YogaMamaMe place I’ve made for myself, I wasn’t as naive as I’ve assumed.  Maybe the dreams weren’t born of youthful stupidity.  Maybe, just maybe, they simply became obscured by a life in which I stepped tenderly and then forcefully away from my heart.  And now that I am back where my heart wants me to be, I have, I concluded, come full circle.

It’s an appealing picture, one in which an old friend becomes a new friend and our friendship a bookend-ish symbol of the insignificance of the journey between the two points of his laughter.

The picture is also, of course, just plain wrong.  Because I haven’t really come full circle at all.

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The Most Natural Thing in the World

What’s the most natural thing in the world?  Breastfeeding?  The naked human body?  Worms and cockroaches and creepy crawlies?  A little flatulence after a satisfying dinner of rice and beans?

Any one of them.  Except for breastfeeding.

This declaration, I know, sounds a bit aggressive, wounded perhaps, certainly not in keeping with the spirit of someone who believes that everything can be cured by yoga.  Everything, it turns out in my own personal experience, except breastfeeding.

Because no matter how many people might tell you otherwise, it is not the most natural thing in the world.  At least for those of us whose children would end up wolf food were it not for utterly unnatural things like the medication I take to induce lactation.  A medication whose dosage I am slowly reducing, slowly reducing my milk supply along with it.

I am also, not incidentally, watching my sanity level slowly reduce as well as I fruitlessly wish I just knew for sure when I should stop.

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What I Learned in My First Mommy and Me Yoga Class

I’ve had this day marked on my calendar for weeks.  My first Mommy and Me yoga class.

It’s been just two days since Lily officially reached the Age Where I Can Take Her Into Public Places, and the prospect of the class was even more exciting to me than Monday’s foray into Target.  Purchasing diapers and Z Bars I could live without for another month if I had to; the only thing keeping me from Mommy and Me yoga this past month were those pesky flu viruses still floating around Asheville on the chill winds finally chasing winter away.

What I was looking forward to wasn’t so much a practice for myself.  I can manage those at home if need be — and did for all of six sun salutes and five rounds of navasana yesterday before Miss Lily intervened.  What Mommy and Me yoga offered that I hadn’t before experienced was a practice for the two of us, a time to share something beyond our daily routine of eating, holding, taking the occasional walk, and greeting Jake’s boisterous evening arrival with joy (me) and cries of annoyance (Lily).  And, of course, I was very  much looking forward to the company of adults who speak in real sentences, even if most of them are devoted to talking about their babies.

What I found, however, was something different, a lesson I haven’t yet approached in quite the same way in all the YogaMamaMe time I’ve devoted to the relationship between me and my children and my Self.  What I found — as, if I’m being honest, I so rarely find — was forgiveness.

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My Refuge

On Friday afternoon, I was lucky enough to be invited to the dedication of a lovely meditation space in downtown Asheville, the WriteMind Institute.  And even more lucky to have a mother-in-law in town and an infant feeding schedule that allowed me to attend.

It felt pretty darned great to take a shower, put on real clothes, and actually pick Jake up from daycare, from which I have officially been banished until the end of flu season, still a week hence.  I made an exception on Friday, feeling somehow loose and free by dint of my very ability to walk out of the house for two hours without my baby.

This is not something first-time mothers should try, by the way.  I don’t think Jake was ever more than fifty feet from me until that time we were visiting Mike’s mother when he was four months old, and three adults physically pushed me out of the house to take a walk without him.  He was crying when I got back, which pretty much convinced me I couldn’t leave him again for another four or five months at least.

But now I’m sane and balanced and the mother of an inevitably neglected second child (have I mentioned that I’m a second child?) so off I traipsed to the petri dish of Jake’s daycare and off he and I sped downtown for an outing that brought back guiltily pleasurable memories of what it was like to have only one child.  Manageable is the word I think I’m looking for.

The meditation space was absolutely beautiful, with a peaceful pull that reminded me of how long it’s been since I’ve practiced any form of yoga.  (That would be 24 days, since the day before Lily was born.)  The head of the WriteMind Institute, Jonathon Flaum, gathered us around to talk about the space and how welcome we all were there.  He invited us to sit in silence for five glorious minutes — during which Mike and Jake wandered the street outside, far enough away so that our silence would not be broken by a small child yelling “NOOOOO!” as is frequently Jake’s wont these days.

And then Jonathon talked about refuge.  He told some beautiful stories, and what it boiled down to was this:  Refuge as he defined it is a place where no one asks anything of you other than that you be yourself.

This idea traveled straight to my heart, already steeped in the easiest five minutes of meditation I’d ever experienced and the warm energy of a room full of people who shared the love and excitement of this new space.  A place where no one asks anything of me other than that I be myself.

And in that moment, I felt as if I knew myself, in a clear and simple way that I hadn’t for a very, very long time.  In one telescoped moment, I remembered how long it took me to find that self and how I had lost her in that first year of motherhood, and I experienced a pleasurable jolt of wisdom in recognizing that the birth of my second child — far from tossing me back down the rabbit hole of lost mindfulness I had expected — has brought me more strongly to that self.

A self I can be in places of refuge.  Where no one asks anything of me other than that I be myself.

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Feeding My Child without Starving My Soul

When I was pregnant with Jake I received a mysterious “congratulations, new mom!” package in the mail from a company whose name looked vaguely familiar to me.  Nestled inside the box were two shiny blue and white cans of Similac formula.

I was appalled.  Outraged.  And yet too lazy to pack them up and send them back to the evil perpetrators of formula-fed babies.

Instead, I dumped them in the trash and wrote a satisfying letter to Similac declaring exactly what I had done with their offering and self-righteously berating them for encouraging pregnant women to formula feed.  Though I don’t remember the details, I feel certain the letter contained plenty of unrealistic declarations about how my baby would be exclusively breastfed and lots of the semi-informed political stuff I picked up in law school from women who were, like me, a long way from having babies about how the formula manufacturers were dumping their product in developing nations so as to maintain their profit margins at the expense of the health of underprivileged infants.

A week ago, when my pediatrician handed me a can of Enfamil, I knew better.

Because, it turned out, Jake drank the equivalent of those two cans of Similac and many, many, many, MANY more.  Yep, for all my high mindedness about breastfeeding, my son drank formula.  Lots of it.  And my twelve-day-old daughter has had a taste of it as well.

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