Monthly Archive for March, 2008

Breaking from Break, Part I: Why We Are Allowed to Take a Break from Being Mothers

Published
by
Melissa
on March 31, 2008
in Mommy time, aging, balance, centering, change, chattering mind, compassion, discomfort verus pain, expectations, friendship, letting go, letting instead of making, nonharming, sense of self, social life, structure, too much to do, vacation and work
.
3 Comments

It began before I left to take my friend Sam to the airport at the end of his weekend visit. Panic. Anxiety. An unsteady feeling, as if the floor beneath me had disappeared, leaving me spinning my legs in an ethereal nothingness.

I thought about what was causing this feeling half an hour later as I pulled away from the curb at the airport and started crying.

Sam is a good friend — so good that he served as an usher in our wedding. But he is not someone I see or speak with often. My life does not flow by checking in with his. In fact, he met Jake for the first time on this trip. While it is true that time does pass so quickly these days of motherhood I sometimes feel as if I already have one toe in the grave, when you go well over two years without seeing someone, you do not tend to fall apart when he departs after a three-day visit.

The anxiety, I think, had more to do with my visit to Asheville than his. For perhaps the first time since moving here six months ago, I was a little bit less of a mother in Asheville and a little bit more just me.

What I mean is, I gave myself a break.

Continue reading ‘Breaking from Break, Part I: Why We Are Allowed to Take a Break from Being Mothers’

Learning to Trust (Including Yourself)

Published
by
Melissa
on March 28, 2008
in awareness, compassion, discomfort verus pain, expectations, illness, inner peace, letting go, nonharming, practice, respecting your body, trust and yoga class
.
0 Comments

My favorite yoga class begins in 10 minutes, and I will not be there.

I ensured this outcome by eating breakfast a few minutes ago because I knew I could not be trusted to resist throwing on my yoga clothes at the last minute and dashing out the door. [One should not eat ideally 3 hours prior to an asana practice -- although many studios, recognizing the realities of our daily lives, suggest at least 1 1/2 to 2 hours.] The class is in astanga style, which means it has a set opening sequence — allowing one to arrive late and slip right into the practice, sort of like finding your seat at the movies during the previews.

Yesterday I passed along the common wisdom that when your body is feeling ill you should not practice strong asanas. I then blithely proceeded to explain that I had every intention of ignoring this advice even though it came from wiser yoga minds than my own.

I arrived at my 12:15 yoga class feeling reasonably well. It was a little bit disappointing to find the last available spot in the very back of the studio by the door, but I recalled my own admonition to students that one should not become wedded to a single spot in the studio. Changing perspective can change one’s perspective.

Continue reading ‘Learning to Trust (Including Yourself)’

Taking Care of Yourself When You’re Sick Instead of Pretending You’re Not

Published
by
Melissa
on March 27, 2008
in compassion, discomfort verus pain, expectations, illness, inner beauty, letting go, nonharming, respecting your body and school
.
0 Comments

Once again, Jake is sick and — despite my best efforts at denying it — so am I.

Just a cough and a scratchy throat. Plus this weird thing where I wake up with my eyes all puffy and glued shut. But enough for me to feel tired and defeated and like a complete wuss.

Used to be, I got a cold every time the weather changed. This is not such a huge deal when you grow up in Los Angeles, where the weather rarely changes. But it becomes more of a burden when you go off to college in Rhode Island, where there is plenty of weather (most of it kind of nasty).

I first became aware of this pattern during my junior year, after three years of surviving primarily on keg beer, french fries dipped in a regretful concoction of yellow mustard and mayonnaise, and sad scraps of iceberg lettuce deemed the “salad bar” at the dining hall. I slept about as much as any college student, wore insufficient clothing for the weather, and considered the “dance aerobics” class in the gym — in which we rocked from heel to toe to the tune of Bruce’s “Glory Days” — real exercise.

Slowly, over the years, I began to give my body a fighting chance. Living in Boston after college, I caught on to the benefits of mad bouts on the Stairmaster blasting a pre-Idol Paula Abdul’s “Forever Your Girl” on my Walkman. Unfortunately, the walks home in the snow with sweat-wet hair probably didn’t help fight off any viruses.

I also learned to run, compliments of one of my Boston roommates. I kept it up when I moved to New York, where the combination of running and enthusiastic early-90’s step aerobics (remember those weird over-the-tights underwear thingies we wore?) should have boosted my immune system. If the depression wrought by law school hadn’t laid it low.

It took many more years and many more modes of calorie-burning for me to finally settle into something that was good for my body and my spirit, the key, I am convinced, to good health. I am only pointing out the obvious when I reveal that that something was yoga.

Continue reading ‘Taking Care of Yourself When You’re Sick Instead of Pretending You’re Not’

When I’m Sleepy I’m Even More Critical of Myself

Published
by
Melissa
on March 26, 2008
in Mama instinct, Mommy time, balance, centering, compassion, expectations, illness, nonharming, sleep, stuck at home with a child, the bigger picture and work
.
0 Comments

It never really goes away, does it? How many times your brand new baby wakes you up every night and how you get him back to sleep morphs into whether, when, and how to sleep train. Once you’re over the guilt and/or exhaustion produced by your decision, a bout of teething sends you over the edge and into thoughts about buying stock in infant Tylenol.

And, of course, there’s illness.

I can’t say exactly how many nights it’s been since Jake slept through on his own because I am sleep deprived and fuzzy and probably should not be doing legal work today any more than I should be operating heavy machinery. I can say that I have come to accept that if Jake needs his mother in the middle of the night something is actually wrong. A few weeks ago I would have suggested he was merely torturing his mother by calling for her at 2:30 a.m., but, like all angry thoughts associated with lack of sleep, this one merely makes me feel really guilty when I recall thinking it.

At any rate, something has been amiss, and when the something amiss a couple of months ago was viral pneumonia, you forgive yourself for being overly cautious where your son’s health is concerned. Overly cautious enough to bring us to the pediatrician’s office this morning for the third time in six days.

Continue reading ‘When I’m Sleepy I’m Even More Critical of Myself’

How Getting Knocked Off My Feet Helped Me to Grow

Published
by
Melissa
on March 25, 2008
in being in the moment, centering, change, expectations, gratitude, illness, intentions versus goals, letting go, motion, practice, school, sleep, structure, stuck at home with a child, surrender, work, yoga class and you can't control everything
.
0 Comments

Yesterday I surveyed the field of unexpected obligations suddenly stretching between me and my YogaMamaMe website and declared myself okay. Getting published, I realized, had become too much of a goal, and I should feel deep gratitude to the Universe for throwing a bunch of other things at me as a reminder that I don’t call the shots. Best to slow down, enjoy the journey, and appreciate what it brings to me, I reasoned.

Which is all well and good. But today life got in the way of my yoga class.

Continue reading ‘How Getting Knocked Off My Feet Helped Me to Grow’

Why Waiting for What You Want (and Maybe Not Even Getting It) Is a Gift

Published
by
Melissa
on March 24, 2008
in awareness, being in the moment, centering, expectations, following your heart, intentions versus goals, letting instead of making, motion, school, sense of self, stillness, the bigger picture, too much to do, trust, work and you can't control everything
.
0 Comments

So, I’ve been working on this being a writer thing more or less steadily since I quit my teaching job in 2003. And, not for the first time, I feel like I’m on the verge of it actually panning out. All I’ve got to do is finish my YogaMamaMe book proposal, get the website up and running, and finally use the spa gift certificate Mike gave me for Christmas because only then will I deserve a full, indulgent day off.

It is, I should explain, not possible for me to do any of this with Jake in the house. Jake loves him a computer. He feels it is just plain rude of me to sit down at my laptop without including him in the fun of hitting keys and brushing his fingers along the touch pad. Given my laughable knowledge about designing a website, I obviously need to spend every last second he is in school hunched over my computer screen.

I figured that’s what I would be doing this week. I’ve got a friend coming to visit for the weekend, but in my reasonably confident of my abilities mind, I felt this would merely serve as a nice break to celebrate the launch of a spiffy, impressive, soon-to-be-crawling-with-visitors website. In other words, my writing “career” was gaining momentum, and I was feeling a cautious optimism.

It was, therefore, inevitable that my life would suddenly get very, very busy. Too busy to accommodate finishing a book proposal and figuring out how to start a website this week.

This is not unfamiliar territory for mothers. If there’s one thing young children teach us, it’s that control is a big, fat illusion just waiting for a sweet child to pop it like a soap bubble with a cute, fat baby finger.

Continue reading ‘Why Waiting for What You Want (and Maybe Not Even Getting It) Is a Gift’

Practicing Not Yoga with a Glass of Wine and 2 a.m. TiVo

Published
by
Melissa
on March 23, 2008
in Mommy time, awareness, balance, chattering mind, compassion, inner peace, letting go, nonharming, practice, respecting your body, sense of self, sleep, stillness, surrender, trust and yoga class
.
0 Comments

There are days when you don’t have time for a yoga practice but can still practice yoga.

On these days I still eat in a way that nourishes my body (mostly — we went to Trader Joe’s in Charlotte last weekend and walked out with three packages of Droste dark chocolate pastilles that aren’t very good for my otherwise caffeine-free body but that taste oh so good). I can be in the present moment, undistracted by tomorrow and yesterday. I can pay attention to what I am doing and fill even a task like unloading the dishwasher into a mindful yoga practice. (Actually, I quite enjoy the yoga of unloading the dishwasher. It is a close second to the yoga of washing the dishes.)

On these days, the tasks of everyday living — the rhythm of an orderly-ish life — seem as important as spreading out my mat and heading for Reverse Warrior. Because sometimes they are.

Then there are the days when you consciously take a break from your yoga practice. On these days, I practice ahimsa, or nonharming, and allow my body to rest and my mind to remain mindful without the assistance of a vinyasa flow. Even hardcore mysore practitioners take full moon days off, after all. It’s part of the practice.

There are the days like today when you have foolishly injured yourself in a yoga practice and must take a day off in the hopes that your injury will magically heal itself in time for you to go to class on Tuesday pretending it is a perfectly wise choice to make

Yep, there I was yesterday morning, three quarters of the way through a lovely, free, not-too-intense astanga primary series, and feeling pretty good about how far my body has come since I really made an effort to recover my post-pregnancy practice in December. I was feeling so good, I decided I was well up to chakrasana, a sort of backwards somersault performed from one’s back. With great enthusiasm, I threw my legs and hips over my head, only to realize too late that this move requires the careful placement of the hands next to one’s neck. So as to, um, help lift all those pounds contained in one’s legs and hips over the far less weighty and delicate cervical spine. Belatedly, I noticed my hands placed carefully at my sides. Hmm, I thought. That’s not right. I do not recommend practicing chakrasana in this manner. Unless you too want a day off like this one.

Then there are the days when you need to practice a little bit of Not Yoga.

Continue reading ‘Practicing Not Yoga with a Glass of Wine and 2 a.m. TiVo’

Learning to Let Go of the Saturday Morning Baby-Free Panic

Published
by
Melissa
on March 22, 2008
in Mommy time, aging, balance, being in the moment, centering, change, chattering mind, compassion, gratitude, inner beauty, letting go, nonharming, sense of self, stillness and trust
.
0 Comments

Here it is again. It’s Saturday morning, I’m gloriously still in my pajamas, and Mike has taken Jake on an expedition. We should both be thrilled: he gets the Jake Time of which he manages only snippets during the work week and I get a morning free to practice yoga.

The problem is, I spend most of the time they’re gone wandering the house in a panic.

Why should I have so much trouble being without my baby on a Saturday morning when I’m pleased to leave him at school during the week? Maybe it has something to do with the beauty of family time, when I get to enjoy both my son and my partner simultaneously, when I have an adult to talk to while I cheer Jake’s ability to throw a tennis ball with impressive accuracy. Maybe it’s a nagging feeling that it’s okay to be without my son during the work week, when Mommies everywhere do the same; but come the weekend, all good Mommies spend every spare moment with their child, to make up for abandoning him during the week, right?

The real problem, I suspect, lies with my deep-seated sense that I don’t get to have time for myself. If I’m not taking care of work or taking care of the house I should, something primal tells me, be taking care of my baby.

Continue reading ‘Learning to Let Go of the Saturday Morning Baby-Free Panic’

Silencing Your Mind When Your Mind Is on Your Child

Published
by
Melissa
on March 21, 2008
in balance, breathing, chattering mind, letting go, partners, practice, stillness, work and yoga class
.
0 Comments

“Keep it short,” my husband Mike told me, not for the first time, last night. It’s been his advice about both of my blogs. “People don’t want to read anything really lengthy.”

Usually, I ignore him. It’s just not in my power to be brief, I shrug to myself. It’s part of my writing style to go off on tangents, to present useless observations that I (and probably no one else) find amusing, to write about things that don’t matter a whole lot.

But last night something shifted. I had been to a lovely yoga class celebrating the first day of spring earlier in the day, and something fundamental took root in my mind. It was a notion I once knew and practiced but had somehow lost in the 15 months I’ve been a mother. Like the opening bud on a tree that has slept through winter, I realized that is really is important to be silent.

Huh?

Continue reading ‘Silencing Your Mind When Your Mind Is on Your Child’

I’m Finding a Way to Practice in the Time My Life Allows for It

Published
by
Melissa
on March 20, 2008
in Mommy time, balance, breathing, centering, change, expectations, gratitude, letting instead of making, partners, practice, respecting your body, sense of self, the bigger picture, too much to do, trust and yoga class
.
2 Comments

Today is Thursday, a yoga day. This means at noon I will dash away from my computer to throw on yoga clothes, sweat through a 12:15 class, and return home to shower some time between 2:00 and 3:30 in the afternoon, an exercise that will never cease to feel, just, wrong. I did the same thing on Tuesday and will do it again tomorrow, though the timing will vary slightly.

And today, like every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I sit down at my computer in the morning and wonder why I subject myself to a yoga class that sits disruptively in the middle of my day like an overcooked matzoh ball shedding pieces of itself into the clear chicken soup around it.

Not long ago yoga was the center of my day. It was what I did, how I conducted my life, and everything else fit together more easily because of it. For a time, I set my alarm every morning to make the 6:30 class that started my day (8:00 on Saturdays because I’m not quite that crazy). Then I discovered mysore, and if that class met from 11:00 to 1:00, then so be it. It was the most important thing to me, my daily yoga class. It changed how I felt and thought and ate and loved and approached life. Everything else made way for yoga.

In this sense, taking classes a mere three days a week is a big setback, a slide from yoga goddess to harried mother who rushes off to a few sessions every week with the other yoga-for-fitness women.

Continue reading ‘I’m Finding a Way to Practice in the Time My Life Allows for It’

Acronis Universal Restore for True Image Echo Workstation 9.5 AcroPlot Pro 2008 2.13 Actify SpinFire Professional 8.3 Actinic Ecommerce 7.0.6 Actinic Ecommerce UK 8.5 Actinic Ecommerce USA 8.5 Active Alarm Clock 3.6 Active Boot Disk Suite 4.0 Active Desktop Calendar v7.32 Active Fax Server 4 Active File Recovery 7.3 for Windows Active Lock 1.4 Active Lock 2.0 Active Lock 3.0 Active MediaMagnet 5.6 Active Partition Recovery 5.3 Active Screen Saver DevKit 3.0 Active ScreenSaver Builder 4.6 Active To-Do List 1.4 Active UNDELETE 7.0 Active WebCam v9.9 ActiveAT Data CD DVD Burner 2.1 ActiveAT File Recovery 7.3 ActiveAT ISO File Manager 2.0 ActiveAT UNDELETE 7.3 Enterprise Edition ActiveAT ZDelete 5.7 ActiveState Komodo IDE 4.2 ActiveState Komodo IDE 5.0 Actual Virtual Desktops 1.1 Actual Window Guard 5.2 Actual Window Manager 5.2 Actual Window Minimizer 5.2 ActualTools Actual Window Minimizer 5.2 Actysoft Global Downloader 1.4 Acunetix Web Vulnerability Scanner 4 AcuteFinder 3.0 AD Sound Recorder 3.5 AD Sound Recorder 4.2 AD Stream Recorder 2.5 Ada Email Address Search XP 5.28 Ada Email Extractor XP v2.8 Ada email Search XP Gold Bundle 2.2 Adapt Builder Abi 2009 Adarian Money for Windows 5.0 Addendum Batch Convert For Adobe Acrobat 5.0 Final Addendum Batch-Print 4.1 for Adobe Acrobat Addintools Assist for Microsoft Excel 1.5 Addintools Create for Microsoft Excel 3.0 AddNewFriends MySpace FriendBlasterPro 10.4 Unlimited AdeptTracker Professional 3.1